the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
