mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
