He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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