Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Randomize
