its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
and eventually we just all took our pants off
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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