she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
