just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Of course I have a pirate flag
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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