I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I intend to get homeless drunk
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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