Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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