Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
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He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
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I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.