I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride