I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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