the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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