Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
You're like the curious george of whores
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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