Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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