I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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