all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
