i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
