so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
