swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
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it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
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At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
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