I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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