dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
