Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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