1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
