i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
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When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
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She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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