I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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