tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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