Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
