she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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