You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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