I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
