I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
