I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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