she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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