she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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