and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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