The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
