God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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