you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
