why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
