Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
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I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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