No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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