I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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