I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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