I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
