Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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