Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
