if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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