theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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