I just cut my nipple shaving
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
