i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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