1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
