she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
