I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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