if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
