I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
