Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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