Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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