my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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